It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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