im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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