mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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