I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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