So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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