Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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