I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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