I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
