chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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