Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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