I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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