Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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