In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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