I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
