Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
barbara walters just said penis...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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