I think I won the penis lottery.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
