Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
