Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
