I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
