I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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