Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
