He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
