yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
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so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"