she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!