I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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