found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
