Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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