he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
