She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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