Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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