No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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