i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
