If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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