I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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