I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
