I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
