Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize