She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
