There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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