if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
