I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
