i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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