i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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