I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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