Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So vagazzling was a success
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
