No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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