Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
