hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize