My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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