I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
