the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
