im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
