no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
