i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
