I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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