someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
