the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
