this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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